This So-Called Life

Hello, how are you?

Long time no speak. I’ve been pretty quiet over the summer, between doing fun things with Ava and trying to get my freelance work done each week, I haven’t had much time for blogging, and I really miss it. I miss just writing and sharing bits of my life and my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like I’ve got words spilling out of me that I’m desperate to get out, but I just haven’t had the time. I’ve been so overwhelmed with trying to fit it all in.

But today, even though I have a million other things to do, I’m choosing to prioritise this because I really need the outlet. I’m in a funny place in life at the moment. I feel like I’m in a weird sort of limbo and I’m not sure where to go from here. Part of it is probably the changing of the seasons; the evenings becoming dark so early, the colder mornings, not having got all of my winter clothes out yet, nor having put all of my summer clothes away. And I feel all funny and sad.

It’s not helped by the fact that I’ve been poorly for the best part of a month now, including the entire week and a half I was away in Scotland. Thank goodness I was in such a beautiful place where I could just go out and get plenty of fresh air and enjoy the scenery even when I was feeling entirely shit. I think I’ve probably got Tonsilitis but my body doesn’t seem to be fighting it at all for some reason and I feel absolutely awful and have been in a lot of pain with constant migraines and sinus pain, and I just feel so weak.

I can’t wait for it to be Monday so I can try and get a doctors appointment because I really feel like something isn’t right with me right now. It probably sounds entirely dramatic, but I’m a little worried to be honest. I haven’t felt well for a really, REALLY long time (I’m talking years); my body doesn’t seem to be doing what it should, I’m always so tired and lacking in energy and I just feel so, so low.

I feel like sometimes we just accept not feeling great and just try to keep going even though it affects us so much. It can feel difficult to find the time (and energy) to get a doctors appointment and then I don’t enjoy having to talk to a doctor and describe all my symptoms and try and get everything out. I think part of my worry is that they won’t think there’s anything wrong with me or be willing to do some tests that I think I need, and I’ll just have to keep feeling like this. And to be honest that’s terrifying.

I feel like there’s so much wrong with me, and sometimes I just feel so alone, even when I’m not. My mental health isn’t great at the moment, due to a number of things, and I want to get that sorted too, but sometimes it all just feels too hard to deal with it all yourself and make the effort to do something about, particularly when you’re so lacking in energy and time. I just want someone to come to me, tell me this is what I need to do and when, and then take me there. I’m so insanely overwhelmed with everything, and so I just put it off and off because it feels too hard. I’m determined one week, and then I get ill and it all goes to shit.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, so many people have it so much worse than I do. But I do secretly feel a bit sorry for myself too. Never feeling well is hard, and isolating. Everything I do feels like a massive effort and I just feel like I’m just plodding along in my life, not really enjoying it, never feeling relaxed, and trying to ignore the migraines and the aches and pains, and trying to go and have a fun day out after another night of no sleep.

I’m also constantly terrified that I’m losing my chance to have another baby, and the point at which I have to have everything removed (rather than my consultant recommending that I do – which is the case right now) is edging ever closer. Every pain I get in that area terrifies me and I worry that I’ve got another ovarian tumour and my remaining ovary will have to be removed too. And yet I’m not in a place where I can have another baby right now, but constantly struggling with the fact that I’m wasting time I might not have.

Then the changes in the weather brings lower moods. The sunshine makes me happier even when life’s hard, but the dark days make me low very quickly and easily. I am overwhelmed, feeling alone and worthless and comparing myself to everyone else, both in real life and online. I never feel good enough. I constantly feel stressed and anxious and I’m never properly relaxed. I automatically chew on my cheek almost constantly as a sign of it all.

Writing all of this down makes me feel pretty stupid for not dealing with some things earlier, but it takes strength to get help sometimes, whether that’s for physical or mental health, and it feels scary. I’m that person who nags at others to make a doctors appointment to get help with something, the person who makes a note of when someone’s medication is running out because I know they’ll forget. But I don’t fight for my own health.

I hate going to the doctor, I hate giving them a long list of symptoms and hoping beyond hope that they’ll say what I want to hear. That they’ll run the tests I think I need. Is it weird that I hope there is something wrong with me so that it can be fixed? I’m scared I’ll feel like this forever and nothing can be done and I’ll just have to deal with it, which is probably daft. And then I also worry that I’m just being a drama queen and there’s nothing wrong with me and I should just suck it up.

But I don’t deserve that; Ava doesn’t deserve that.

So tomorrow I’m going to phone the doctors and fight for an appointment as soon as possible – a challenge in itself. I’m going to fight for me and my health and hopefully find out what’s wrong with me and be able to do something about it.

I’m sick of feeling awful all the time, I’m sick of having no energy and no confidence and feeling so crap about myself, and just not really enjoying life, and I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to be me again, and I want to be happy and feel well. I honestly don’t remember what that feels like.

I wasn’t intending to write so much of a ramble and I’m not sure it makes much sense. But I clearly needed it, and hopefully some of you will understand. I’m going to make some changes now. It’s time. Thank you for reading.

Lou xx