On Turning 35

Tomorrow I turn 35 years old. Over the last few years, I have started to appreciate getting older, rather than seeing it as something negative and scary that none of us wants to embrace. Ageing is seen as a scary thing, especially as a woman, but the alternative is much less appealing, right?

However, this year, I am a bit scared of turning 35. Not of the age so much, but of getting older whilst facing something that makes me feel older. I’ve written about it already, but I am going to be having an operation to have my (only) ovary removed soon, and after that, I will be going through the menopause. I will be going on HRT straight away (something I wasn’t sure I’d ever take, let alone in my 30’s) so I shouldn’t get the symptoms of menopause straight away and I should still be able to get my cycle back later on if I should want to have a baby with my frozen embryos, which is just crazy and kind of fascinating.

But anyway, that makes me feel old. Everything I’ve read seems to suggest that you age more quickly after going through the menopause and there is such a perception of it being this old-er lady thing – a decrepit little woman having mad hot flushes and fanning herself down (no offence to those who are going through it – I know it doesn’t make you an old lady suddenly really). I know I’m not suddenly going to look like or physically be like a little old lady (I hope) but it’s just so weird to be going through something that no-one anywhere near my age in my life has gone through and to only have read pretty negative things about it in the media.

I’m trying not to read too much on it at the moment because every time I start to look it all just becomes so overwhelming and makes me really anxious, and it’s all negative because obviously, that’s when people talk about it. And I think it won’t actually be like I’m going through it symptoms-wise because of the HRT but I’m just so uninformed that I don’t really know. And I hate that, but also I need to ignore the reality of it, for now, just to keep going.

There’s so much going on in my life at the moment, pretty much all of which is negative, and so getting another year older feels kind of sad and I’m not where I want to be right now and so it feels hard. I keep trying to think of everything I’m going through to be one big adventure – like, it’s fun to be having an operation and staying in hospital for a few days and I can finally read some books, I don’t have to do any housework, I might have morphine on tap again, and I don’t have to cook for a few days! How lucky am I and how jealous are you right now?!

I wish it was that easy and I didn’t think way too much about everything. I always think of myself as a positive person but my god I am not right now. I just feel so alone, even though I’m not really and I’m just so scared of it all and pretty pissed off too, to be honest! I want to enjoy my summer with my daughter and just be focused on that, not on having half of my body parts removed and all the rest of the shit going on in my life right now.

So yes, I’m super happy to be turning 35! I am so grateful though; we always want to look and feel a bit younger and get jealous of those hot 21-year-olds with their lack of wrinkles and lack of responsibility, but plenty of people don’t make it to my old age and so we need to count ourselves bloody lucky that we get to age, don’t we? Whether I become a wrinkled old bag as soon as that ovary is removed, or not, I’m happy that I get to get older and to celebrate another birthday, and hopefully this time next year I’ll be a lot happier!

Lou xxx