To My Daughter

As I’ve mentioned (over and over and over again), I’m going to be having an operation very soon. Tomorrow in fact. Obviously, that kind of thing gets you thinking about things and as always with surgery, I always worry that I won’t wake up or that something will go wrong.

Last time I had an operation I wasn’t a mother, and so it feels so much scarier this time. My most favourite person in the world will be affected by it this time and I don’t like that. I don’t like that she will only be able to see me at certain times for a few days, during visiting hours, and then once I am home I will be pretty much useless and won’t be able to take her out for a while and she’ll have to be gentle with me. I talked to her recently about the fact I am going to be having an operation and the scar I will have. To her, it is no big deal and I will be exactly the same mum that I am to her now.

What I look like doesn’t matter to her. I talked about my old scar to her, from the time I had my other ovary removed. I only realised I hadn’t ever mentioned it to her when I started talking about it; when I said ‘you know how I’ve got this other scar down here?’. And at once I thought ‘I’m not sure I’ve ever discussed this with her before’. She kind of thought for a second and then said ‘oh yeah, I didn’t realise that was a scar’.

My god it made me think. We see ourselves and others in a certain way and in a way that we have been accustomed to see as ‘normal’. But to a kid we are what we are. A scar or a so-called imperfection isn’t something that is wrong with us, but just a part of us, a part of who we are and what we look like.

But all of this made me think about if the worst happened and she only had this blog to read from me when she is older. I wonder if my discussions of being a mother on here would come across negatively to her. I write pretty honestly (within reason!) on here and I have struggled as a mother and with the extreme tiredness and all that jazz, and I probably talk about that more than the good bits, because the good bits I tend to just enjoy and don’t need to express those positive feelings all of the time.

So anyway, just in case I die (;D), I wanted to write something for Ava: to let her know how much I love her and how much she changed my world for the better.

Ava, my darling girl. There are really no words to express how much I love you and how happy you make me. I wanted to be a mother all of my life, and you made me one. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and you are my most favourite person in the entire universe, even when you are calling me a wrinkly old elephant.

I went through a lot to have you, and you were totally worth it and I would go through it all again just to be your mum. I always wanted more than one child, but whether I ever get the chance to have another baby or not, you are enough. You are more than enough and I love you with my whole heart.

You are the most wonderful little girl and I couldn’t be prouder of you. You are so caring and kind and I love seeing you with children younger than you and how you look after them. You are so desperate for a little brother or sister (a sister if you had a choice) so I hope that one day I can give you that and I know you would be the best big sister ever.

Please no that no matter how hard I’ve found being a mum and how I’ve complained about the lack of sleep and my mental health over the years – none of that is down to you, and you have only made my life better. The good bits have always outweighed the bad, and I am so grateful that I get to go through it all with you.

Right now you are like my little sidekick and we have so much fun together. We have only got closer over the difficult times and our bond is unbreakable. I love sitting snuggled up with you, eating a takeaway pizza and watching a film – having a ‘girl’s night’ as you like to call them. Although you do need to get better taste in films.

My sweet baby girl, I love you with all of my heart and I always will. You are my favourite human and I am so, so lucky that I get to be your mum. I love watching you grow and I am so grateful that I get to do that. Thank you for being mine and for loving me back so ferociously.

All my love,

Mummy xxxxxxx