January Joylessness

I’m in one of those in-between places with blogging and I guess life in general at the moment. Where I spend quite a lot of time thinking but not a lot of time doing. Thinking about where I want my blog to go, and where I want my life to go this year, too.

But I think that’s a good thing for me right now as I’ve not been in a great place since Christmas, and even before that really. I just keep getting ill with sinus infections which then cause me to have migraines which I’ve been getting almost constantly this week and so I’ve spent most of it in bed and unable to do anything. I hate it so much; I just want to be able to get up in the morning and take my daughter to school without any issues, then come home and work and get shit done, but I’ve just been unable to, which makes me feel even more blue, and I’m sick of the pain too. I just feel so sad, like my life is passing me by and I’m just letting it. God that sounds bloody miserable doesn’t it? I’m in a hole and I can’t get out.

Luckily it’s been a pretty quiet time for me blogging-wise (hopefully not just for me!!) and so I’m at least not feeling the pressure of lots of deadlines. But I do still have posts to write and lots of things to work on. All I’m really interested in doing though, is writing posts like this; rambly, from-the-heart ones where I just talk to you (yes you, dear reader) and tell you what I’m thinking. These are my favourite posts to write, and I love reading other peoples too, although there seem to be less and less of them about now, which is a shame. I love reading the less-structured posts about peoples real lives and struggles.

I’ve also been taking a bit of a break from social media over the last few weeks, as I’m sick of it making me feel like shit, as well as the addictive nature of it. Sometimes I find myself on my phone, flicking from one app to the next, and back again and I just think, ‘what the fuck am I doing, other than giving myself a headache?’. It’s like this constant need to check I haven’t missed anything, but really what am I going to miss? Someone’s update on their dog and a shitty check-in to a hospital?? I’m (hopefully) not going to find out anything important on Facebook.

So yes, I deleted the Facebook app (I’ve now added it back again for ease when I do need to check it, but it is on the third screen on my phone so it is not there constantly asking me to press it). I’m ignoring Instagram most of the time, because I do not need to feel jealous of other people’s amazing pictures/holidays/lives/number-of-likes right now, and I’m only really checking Twitter for blogging stuff.

I’m not yet at the point where I don’t feel any guilt about staying off social media, because I do worry that I should be working harder at them for my job. But right now this is what I need, and hopefully I will get to a point where I can reintroduce them, perhaps at a certain time each day, and use them more efficiently for blog-related activities, rather than mindlessly scrolling and comparing myself to other people’s highlight reel.

I find it so hard not to compare myself to others online; there’s so many with such brilliant content and images, and wonderful Instagram feeds, and I sometimes feel rubbish in comparison to these big ‘influencers’. But then I also think that I wouldn’t necessarily like to have a million readers because with that comes criticism that I probably couldn’t take right now. Also, maybe I’d write less for me and worry too much about what people think if I had a big following? I like my blog, I earn a decent income from it most of the time (let’s not count January!), and whilst I do want to grow it and work even harder this year, I don’t need to be comparing myself to more popular bloggers. Nor do I want to be someone who buys likes or followers, or joins Instagram groups where you all like the other thirty people’s posts immediately after they post or you will get into trouble. I just can’t be arsed for starters.

I want to blog and post on social media for me again, and write more of these in-the-moment posts about how I’m feeling right now, alongside the collaborations with great brands that I really enjoy working on. My health plays a big part in how much I write non-sponsored posts, unfortunately, so I’m working on that too, and hopefully that will improve and I’ll be able to keep writing as much as possible again.

I’d thought that 2018 would be much better than the terrible 2017 I had, but it turned out to be just as hard, if not harder, so I’m determined to make 2019 better for myself, starting with getting both my physical and mental health sorted, and making more time to relax without feeling guilty. And hopefully I can have a good year!

Tell me how you are in the comments. I love to chat!