Hello 2019

Hello! Long time no speak! How the devil are you?

Does anyone else ever write words or phrases online that they never say in real life?! I don’t think I’ve ever uttered the words ‘how the devil are you’ for goodness sake.

Anyway, it’s back to reality today, unfortunately. Well, I’m kind of glad to be back in a bit of a routine, but it’s bloody hard getting up for the school run, especially after I was awake most of the night with The Greatest Showman songs going round and round in my head. I love the songs from it but by Jove (another phrase I’ve never spoken) they really get in your head, don’t they. Especially as Ava has also become obsessed with them and is constantly dancing round the house singing (shouting) “THIS IS ME” and asking one of the many Alexa’s we now have to play them. I woke up this morning with ‘A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make’ in my head and I didn’t even know I knew that one.

I actually had a proper break from work over Christmas, which I never normally do properly, and it was nice. I really needed an actual break and it was good for me to actually sit down and watch films and play games and just not do a lot. I’m usually doing some kind of housework if I’m not working, but I forced myself to chill out and ignore it. I needed to do that for my mental health. It also gave me the chance to do my nails a couple of times – Primark glue on ones – they’re one or two quid and bloody brilliant – which now means that I’m really struggling to type this and keep alternating between using the actual fake nails to type with, and attempting to use the pad of my finger whilst stopping the nail from also hitting the key above too. And don’t get me started about trying to type a capital letter. I do feel rather fierce with them though so there is that. Plus my cat likes them.

I wasn’t really feeling Christmas this year, so I’m quite glad it’s over, to be honest. I just haven’t been in a great place recently, and I didn’t really want to be talking to actual people for however many days in a row. I got ill again so I did actually miss a couple of days and nights out, but that just made me feel worse because I didn’t get to see people I really wanted to. Ava had a brilliant Christmas though, so that’s all that matters. She absolutely loves seeing all of her family, so three days of doing exactly that is wonderful for her.

After Christmas, it was her 7th birthday, which is just astounding. How can she be 7 already? I’m pretty sure she only came out of me yesterday. She chose to go ice skating on her birthday as she’d never been before, which I was well up for. I went to Ice Cubs as a teenager so I used to be pretty good and even used to perform some of the dances like the Canasta Tango and the Chachacha and even the Dutch Waltz that you did with a partner. I don’t have many achievements or things that I’m good at so yes I’m going to milk this, even if it was 20 years ago.

But my god it was hard work! A gets rather nervous of new things at the moment, and also worries about not being good enough, especially when it comes to people younger than her being better at something. So when she struggled with ice skating at first she decided that she was no good at all and would never get better. Then I pushed her on one of those things for kids (ours was apparently a polar bear but I thought it was a kangaroo) for a bit, was going quite fast, hit a little dip as we went around the corner and she flew off onto the ice. She burst into tears and seemed pretty shocked that the ice was cold, and that was the end of me being allowed to push her round. Which was a shame as I was enjoying myself. She did eventually try a bit harder to skate and got much better quickly, and by the end had decided she wanted to go to Ice Cubs too!

It did make me realise how damn fearful I’ve become though. I could still skate reasonably well, but I was a bit scared of falling over, and being taken out by a 14-year-old speed skater and landing on my arse, and then the absolute worst ice skating nightmare: having my fingers sliced off whilst on the ground. Of course, the godawful ice skates that break my feet a bit more with every slight movement don’t help, but I use to be so daring on the ice! I used to try new things and not worry about falling over. I used to dance and spin, and do Shooting Ducks (does anyone else know what they are?!), and even twelve years ago when I went ice skating in New York I was still doing all of that and wasn’t bothered if (when) I did fall. It makes me sad that in my old age I’ve become so much more fearful and reluctant. I think maybe I just don’t get out enough or try new things. Do you think you can get your fearlessness back with a bit of practice?

Anyway, my nails can’t take any more pounding the keys, and I need a nap after all this exertion. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year, and here’s to a great 2019 for all of us!

Love Lou xxx