Why is it So Hard to Just Be?

We are always so busy, aren’t we? In today’s world, where we are living so much of our lives online and seemingly never switch off, it feels like we always have an endless list of things to do and it often feels like we could (and should) be doing it all so much better.

We see all the ‘perfect’ lives online, the ones who really seem to be able to do it all and look beautiful doing it too, and it makes us feel so inferior, not good enough and just lacking.

And sometimes it all just feels too much.

I never feel good enough. If I’m managing work pretty well, then I’m failing at motherhood, or the house is a shithole, I’m eating like crap and haven’t tended to the thick, dark hairs on my chin for a week (or all of the above). Or, at least, that’s how it feels.

If I’ve had a great day out over the summer holidays with Ava, then I get home to a house that desperately needs cleaning and I feel anxious as hell and too tired to run around for half an hour to get some of it done.

If I dare to sit with a book for half an hour and ignore my long list of things to do (something which I’ve only done once in the last year even though it is one of my favourite things to do) then I can’t concentrate on the book enough because I’m feeling guilty and stressed knowing that all I’m doing is putting off all of the things that I have to do. Even though I so desperately need that downtime.

Why is it so hard to just be? Why do I (and I’m sure I’m not the only one) find it impossible to actually relax? I literally never feel properly relaxed and at ease. I know it’s not good for my health. This constant high state of anxiety and stress is not a good way to live.

But how do I get rid of it? How can I possibly learn to sit still and switch off when there’s always so much to be done? When everyone else on social media appears to have their shit together and have a nice house too. I know that’s not how it really is but how do I stop my head from feeling like I’m failing when their house looks perfect and mine is falling down around me? How do I sit in my lounge and enjoy my book and a cup of tea, when the carpet so desperately needs hoovering?

I can’t, is the answer.

Every day I look at my to-do list and I feel overwhelmed and panicky knowing that the vast majority of it won’t get done. That all of the housework on there will get ignored again, because unfortunately hoovering doesn’t pay the bills, and no-one will be emailing me asking when it will be done (although maybe that should be a thing..).

Maybe it’s not about how much needs doing, or that I’m just shit at life. Because there will always be stuff that needs doing, as an adult; that’s life. Maybe it goes a lot deeper than that and I need to sort out my anxiety and mental health, and if that was better then the endless to-do list wouldn’t bother me, I wouldn’t notice or be affected by the windows that need cleaning or the kitchen floor that now needs replacing because of a fucking leak. I wouldn’t care that I have to take something off the stairs with me every single time I go up, or that I’m the only one in my house who appears to be able to do it. (Or maybe hiring a cleaner would be the answer to all my problems).

What do you think? Does this kind of thing affect you too, or am I just weird? Answers on a postcard (or in the comments) please!